


For The State of The Union

by StarTravel



Series: Defiance Through Tenderness [29]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Confessions, Cuddling & Snuggling, Episode: s06e19 In The Pale Moonlight, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Light Angst, Mild Fluff, POV Elim Garak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 07:35:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17658659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Garak comes back to their quarters to find Julian confused and livid and learns more about the nature of forgiveness.





	For The State of The Union

Garak enters his quarters ready for a long bath and a bottle of kanar, to sink into the carefully compartmentalized feeling of a job well done. After all, what is one life in exchange for the entire alpha quadrant? A mere drop in the ocean.

 He doesn’t expect to find Julian pacing across the room at an almost frightening speed, apparently having forgone his usual game of darts with the Chief in favor of angrily mouthing whatever he keeps writing and then deleting on his padd. Garak thinks the bath might have to wait. “You seem agitated, my dear.”

 “I think most people would be if they were writing a grievance against their own captain.” Julian mutters in a low voice, hands running over the padd again. He’s typing so urgently that Garak’s surprised the padd can keep up with his message, hands jabbing at the buttons as though he means to break through the glass.

 More to the point, Garak can’t believe that the Captain was so sloppy that Julian figured out something was amiss. “Excuse me?”

 “Sisko forced me to give him 81 litres of biomimetic gel and wouldn’t tell me _why_ or _what_ it would be used for, though God knows it can’t be anything good.” Julian’s voice is clipped, eyes a raging inferno that’s usually reserved for far worse men than Benjamin Sisko. But then, Garak supposes everyone must fail to meet Julian Bashir’s exacting moral standards sooner or later.

 “I’m sure that Captain Sisko has his reasons.” Garak’s voice comes out as level as possible, even as he feels a few of the ridges along his spine start to stiffen. He is partially responsible for the righteous fury in his lover’s eyes, for the way Julian paces around their couch as he continues to press different keys along the padd. Garak wonders if he even knows what he’s typing anymore.

 “I don’t doubt that. He’s not a bad man, in fact he’s one of the best I’ve ever known.” Julian says with a low exhale, some of the fire simmering to mere smoke as he stares out their porthole. Garak crosses the room to stand behind him, tentatively lifting a hand up and resting it on the side of Julian’s neck. He makes small circles into imaginary ridges and wonders how much Julian would hate his touch if he knew what Garak had done. “But he’s willing to let the ends justify the means and I can’t abide by that.”

 “Sometimes winning the war means having to do things you never would have thought yourself capable of.” Garak’s voice is quiet and a touch pained, gazing past Julian and to the world outside them. Garak doesn’t remember when he didn’t think himself capable of doing anything for Cardassia, but he’s sure there was a time when that was true.

 Now Julian is a close second and Garak imagines that he hates and loves that in equal measure.

 Julian leans back against his chest, bending his neck and back in an almost unnatural position. Garak looks down to find a bemused look in Julian’s eyes and a familiar mirth to his smile, the kind of dark humor Garak thinks Julian only indulges in with him. “Such as committing genocide?”

 “A fine example, my dear.” Garak agreed with a smile that’s just a touch too sharp as he wraps his free arm around Julian’s waist to hold him in place. Julian relaxes into his hold, practically sliding down his chest as bits of laughter escape his throat. “And yet you forgave me for that enough to want to spend the war with me.”

 “As much as it pains me to admit, there are things I would forgive you for that I shouldn’t.” Julian murmurs in a quieter voice than before, the mirth from before replaced with a genuineness Garak has always found as fascinating as it is concerning.

 Garak smirks even though Julian can’t see him, mind already planning how to lighten the mood. Garak lets his voice drop a bit, lilting and playful in a way he suspects Julian finds endearing and also more than a little obnoxious. “Because as a Cardassian you think I lack the inherent goodness of the Federation and her people?”

 “No, because I _know_ you have it and I don’t know that there’s anything you could do to make me question that at this point.” Julian’s voice is tight as he twists around in his arms so quickly he almost knocks Garak over. But his gaze is painfully earnest, voice not wavering in the slightest despite the frayed quality of it. “Even things I think are monstrous.”

 Garak swallows a little, pulling Julian closer to his chest. He resists the urge to say something sarcastic or biting, of distraction. Instead Garak keeps his voice as steady as possible as he looks into Julian’s eyes. Then he tells a truth he suspects the other man already knows. “Julian, the reason men like Sisko and I do these things is so -”

 “Men like me can sleep at night. Yes, yes, Sloane said the same thing. Maybe you’re right, but it’s not fair men like you always decide how we should get to sleep.” Julian crosses his arms against his chest for a moment, glowering at Garak in a way that borders on the petulant. Garak grins faintly, pressing a soft kiss to Julian’s forehead to hide whatever might be in his eyes right now.

 “Would you prefer to lie awake every night going over your sins?” Garak’s voice is biting this time as his hand slides onto Julian’s lower back, eye ridge pressing together in mild frustration. There was a time Garak wanted Julian to be more like him. That time has long since passed.

 Julian smiles crookedly, even as something almost tired comes into his gaze. “If it meant you could get a few more hours of sleep, I’d be willing.”

 “I would not get anymore sleep at night knowing that you have lost any of that beguiling faith of yours, Julian.” Garak pulls Julian closer to his chest, lets that warm, slim body press against his as he runs a hand through those soft curls. Julian lets him for a second, nuzzling into Garak’s neck, mouthing the ridges there with practiced ease. If Julian ceases to believe men are good, that he is good, what hope is there for Garak?

 “You still believe in Cardassia, what makes you think I’ve give up on the inherent goodness of people so easily?” Julian whispers as he pulls back, eyes flashing with a steel Garak’s come to appreciate as well. Maybe he’s been underestimating his Julian’s will after all. Maybe -

 Garak swallows tightly, hands pulling away from Julian as he slowly closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to tell Julian about the Romulan senator, about what he’s done to assure peace for them all. He doesn’t want to see the disappointment in Julian’s gaze when Garak turns out to be even worse than he thought. But - “Julian, there’s something I need to tell you.”

 “Not if it will make you sleep less tonight.” Julian cuts him off with a tender smile, hand curling around Garak’s jaw affectionately.  There’s an understanding in his gaze, not that he knows about how everything played out, but that Garak has done yet another thing that doesn’t meet Julian’s standards. And Julian forgives him, gaze soft and inviting as he pulls Garak a bit closer to him.

 Garak sighs and lets himself be pulled into an almost chaste kiss, his own hands coming up to rest on either side of Julian’s face. Garak wonders what he’s done to earn this clemency from Julian and if he’ll be able to return it the time ever comes.

Then he puts such thoughts aside and lets Julian regale him with a story about an Andorian who came to the clinic, letting the enthusiasm and warmth of his voice wash over him.

  Forgiveness is kinder than Tain ever gave it credit for

**Author's Note:**

> It’s back haha. I also planned to have the chapter after Black Leather be fluff, but then the canon got in the way haha. 
> 
> Comments and questions are loved!


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